Sometimes I wake up by the door

Sometimes...I do. Just kidding, I've never actually woken up by the door. But I have metaphorically woken up by the door, waiting to walk out. I love my parents. I love my home. I love my family. I don't really want to move out.

But I do want to make my own decisions. I want to be able to respect myself and feel that I am trusted by those around me, and not only trusted on their own petty, narrow views of how I should act, but trusted to be able to make my own decisions for how I should act. I am willing to take responsibility for those actions, but responsibility for breaking the laws of God and man, not for failing to follow a strict code of action which I believe to be unnecessary. I'm not six. I am an intelligent human being who knows right from wrong.

And so I pray for patience. Because somewhere along the line I have to stop feeling restrained and understand that I am loved. But I can't help myself. I feel like I will never truly be trusted by those around me, and so I am restrained by their rules. I feel that in order to escape my past, I would have to leave.

I know in my mind that this is not true. But my heart is less logical.

But I am loved.

Set Fire to the Rain. ADELE

Does the Pain Weigh Out the Price?

Sometimes painful circumstances that seem to have no silver lining are truly for the better.

Recently, I've had someone who I thought was my best friend refuse to help with me with some very simple, small favors that were very important to me. It was painful. Very painful. I cried for two hours. This is from the girl who hasn't cried in front of any one except her immediate family in over five years. I don't cry.

This same girl is leaving and moving several states away. Previously, I was devastated. But the above experience made me realize that perhaps I'm worth more than that. I don't always have to be the only one giving in a relationship. I deserve a friend who is not selfish and wants to help me as much as I help her/him.

So as much as I wish that life could be simple...maybe this is God's way of telling me that life will be ok. Because that is the point of trials. To learn from them.

21 Guns, Green Day

Give me a smile, or give me a sneer

I strongly dislike fake people. Dislike in the strongest possible sense, if you missed that.

And lately, Suzetta's been really fake. Fake in the most arrogant, disgusting, low moral standards kind of way. It's been quite difficult not to backhand her in the face everytime I see her.

But. I have lately realized something I should've known all my life. Christ loves me. He is my Friend. And no one has true friends that would beat them up for making a mistake, hate them for swearing, or stop talking to them because they didn't read their scriptures one night. Or because they flirt with too many people. Or because their moral standards are more wiggly than on the strait and narrow.

And not only is Christ our Friend, He is perfect. So He is a more perfect Friend than any of ours. More accepting, more understanding, a better listener...the list goes on and on. That goes for me. That goes for my family. That goes for my friends. That goes for the random kid walking down the street. And it goes for Suzetta. He loves her. More than I understand. Just as much as He loves me. So I need to stop hating, and realize that

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.

                                                                   -Samuel Johnson

I may never understand her, we may never be good friends. But she is worth every bit as much as I am, and I need to treat her that way.

She's another light in the starry sky, to someone I could never help.

Deer in the Headlights, Owl City

I will never let you down

"Wove. True wove, is what bwings us togethuh todaiy."  Don't you love The Princess Bride? If you've never seen it, go watch it. Right now. It's more important than anything except for maybe that screaming baby in the background. Family comes first. xD

The point of that seemingly random quote was to make a point. Westley and Buttercup have the kind of love that knows no boundaries, no inhibitions. Perhaps that's solely the stuff of fairytales,  but I believe there is some truth to it.

Love means everything. Honesty, integrity, morals. Breakfast in bed. Lemon bars. Ice cream. A phone call. Love is more than an engagement ring or a wedding dress or even a family. Love means doing all you can for one person. Everything. Love means (I love this) that you pray for the one you love more than you do for yourself. Because their happiness is more important to you than your happiness.

This is what makes the world go round! Isn't it wonderful! In a society peopled by lust, divorce, adultery, and immorality, true love still lives! Every day, men and women make sacrifices because of the love they have for each other! Doesn't that give you hope?

It gives me hope. It's a star.

Take Me With You Secondhand Serenade

I can still feel your heat beat fast when you dance with me

I must admit, in the last year or so I have become quite anti-dances. It could have something to do with the kind of guys you can meet there, or the awkwardness that can occur, but I have become increasing more reluctant to go. Unfortunately...or perhaps fortunately...because of my job I have to.

And sometimes I hate them. I don't really like dancing...because I fail miserably. I like ballroom, but I can only do well if I'm dancing with a guy who can lead...which happens about as frequently as my dad's favorite team winning a football game. Next to never. Slow songs...well they're awkward. Young guys, creepy guys, guys who have amazing personalities behind the Umm...yeahs, and guys that probably have amazing personalitites, but should also buy deodorant. And then there's that awkward song where you don't dance, but the majority of people are. Or the awkward moment where you've been dancing so much you don't want to anymore and the girl you're talking to hasn't been asked to dance at all.

You get my point. Dances can stink.

But. There is one reason to like them. Probably more than one, actually, but this is the one I'm going to focus on. You know the moment in the movies where the girl looks across the dance floor and sees the perfect young gentleman at the same moment that he notices her? Reference to West Side Story, Cinderella, A Cinderella Story.....I'm sure you can come up with many more. Those moment may not always happen in real life...but there is something to be said for the idea: spending a slow song (hopefully a very LONG slow song) in the arms of someone for whom you care very much,

And that is the reason. Because dancing close with someone you care about is sweet. It's a chance to talk privately...sing...dance...basically enjoy being alone together in a room full of people.

That's my star today, as I head off to another dance tomorrow. That there is always that one guy that makes the rest of the awkward ones worth it.

If My Heart Were a House, Owl City

There's gonna be one less lonely girl

I have had so many people say to me..."Why do you bother? You're never going to change anything?" But it honestly doesn't matter to me. I know that I won't be able to change the world, but I can change the world of one person. That's why life matters.

Life is about the individual. I will bend over backwards for other people, even if they don't ask. I think that the most important trait to develop is that of making those around them feel valued, loved, and beautiful. It doesn't hurt us to look outward. David Baldacci said in his book Wish You Well

"There is nothing so powerful as the emboldened kindness of one human being reaching out to another, who is held only by despair."

It's true. It's one of my favorite quotes because of that. And it's a very good book. But back to the quote. There is nothing so powerful! No matter what our circumstances: rich or poor, black or white, old or young, male or female, popular or a loner, beautiful or plain, religious or agnostic, we can be kind to those around us. Samuel Johnson (no idea whatsoever who that was, but he must've been amazing) wisely stated:

"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not."

No matter what our feelings toward them, we can be kind to each person we meet each day. This is my star. That it doesn't matter how terrible our day is or how wonderful, it will be always be made better by kindness. Kindness is the greatest of human virtues.

One Less Lonely Girl, Justin Bieber

Wait for It

I like to pretend that I will be the person I've always wanted to  be simply because life has a new beginning. A new friend, a new day, a  new year...new things make me want to change. But I have come to know and accept that change is gradual. Just because I feel new doesn't mean anyone else will see it. I had an experience with my <friend?> Richard, in which neither of us acted the way we were used to the other one acting.

And it hurt. Because when you change without someone realizing, they don't always accept or like or care about the change.

But I can do it. I can change both gradually and drastically...at least I think I can. Those who truly love me will love me as I am, right? And being alone and smiling at the world because I see the love is better than being a porcelain doll hiding behind a painted face. Because porcelain is fragile, and crystal shatters.

I would rather be a flawed flesh and blood than an untainted doll.

Because who I am is enough. What I have to give is enough. My light shines brightly enough to be a beacon.

And no one can tell me that I'm not good enough.

I'm just beautiful me. Extraordinary.

Wait for It, Ben Truman