Wait for It

I like to pretend that I will be the person I've always wanted to  be simply because life has a new beginning. A new friend, a new day, a  new year...new things make me want to change. But I have come to know and accept that change is gradual. Just because I feel new doesn't mean anyone else will see it. I had an experience with my <friend?> Richard, in which neither of us acted the way we were used to the other one acting.

And it hurt. Because when you change without someone realizing, they don't always accept or like or care about the change.

But I can do it. I can change both gradually and drastically...at least I think I can. Those who truly love me will love me as I am, right? And being alone and smiling at the world because I see the love is better than being a porcelain doll hiding behind a painted face. Because porcelain is fragile, and crystal shatters.

I would rather be a flawed flesh and blood than an untainted doll.

Because who I am is enough. What I have to give is enough. My light shines brightly enough to be a beacon.

And no one can tell me that I'm not good enough.

I'm just beautiful me. Extraordinary.

Wait for It, Ben Truman

We Still Make the Circuit

It amazes me how strong people are. How they manage to endure, overcome, and basically just kick adversity in the butt, even while dealing with 9,034,803,986 times more than I could possibly ever imagine. It's incredible. I use that word a lot. Also amazing. And wonderful. Anyway, back on topic.

I just finished reading two books that left me astounded (I use that word a lot too), I am halfway through a third, and watched a movie that left me floored.

Escape by Carolyn Jessop is the story (true) written by herself of her life in and flight from the FLDS community. The abuse, cruelty, and brainwashing that she lived through leave me in awe of the strong mother that she is. Because that's how I would describe her. As a mindblowingly loving and strong mother.  I want desperately to be a mother that, like she, would be willing to risk everything I had for the welfare and wellbeing of my children.

Puppet by Eva Wiseman is not a completely true story, but it is based on the last blood libel trial in Hungary. If you, like me, had no idea what a blood libel trial is, it was when Christians would accuse Jews of stealing Christian children for their blood, which they would then use to make Easter bread. This was, of course, always completely unfounded, but the bigotry and hatred of the villagers almost cost the death of many Jews, until a Christian girl by the name of Julie Vamosi proved that the girl in question, Esther, had committed suicide. The amount of hatred and unfounded accusations that were shown in the book astonished me, but even more than that I was so proud of the strength that Julie had to do what she knew was right, even through being threatened by her abusive father and the most powerful men in her community.

Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela is his autobiography. I have been fascinated by Mandela and the South African journey to freedom and the end of apartheid ever since I watched Invictus with Morgan Freeman as Mandela and Matt Damon as Francois Pienaar, the South African rugby team captain. I happen to love Matt Damon...anyway back on subject. His life, his fight for moral rights, and his eventual victory fill me with hope and inspire me to do better with what I have. The poem that the movie is named for, Invictus by William Ernest Henley, is now my favorite poem (well, one of them) and has been committed to my memory, which for me is quite a feat.

Finally, I have been on a Matt Damon-movie watching spree. I'm watching every movie he's been in that is not rated R. (He's been in a lot of R-rated movies, unfortunate). The latest I watched is one of his first, School Ties which is the story of a Jewish boy, David Greene who receives a scholarship to attend a prestigious prep school to play football for his senior year. The catch is: it's a Catholic school. And he's Jewish. As I said. He chooses to conceal his religion after hearing many of the boys make racial slurs. Against Judaism, obviously.  SPOILER ALERT. Well...Matt Damon plays his friend Charlie Dillon. And after David starts dating Sally, the girl Charlie is in love with, Charlie finds out that David is Jewish and spreads the word. The bigotry and hatred and prejudice of the boys of the school is then revealed, and I won't tell you the ending, but sitting there watching this twenty year old movie I started steaming. I couldn't believe how hateful the boys were. But David...David stood up to it. He got in a few fights, but he remained the stronger person. Always.

It is an inspiration to me. That is my favorite part of books and movies: most of them are just a stupid story, but some make me want to change my life. They inspire me. They are some of my stars.

Everything That Glitters (Is Not Gold), Dan Seals

And each in your season returns and returns, and is always the same

I think that one of the worst ways you can treat a person is to assume that they haven't, and never will, and cannot change. It's terrible.

People CAN change. You can turn your heart around, start afresh, repent, become a better person. That's WHY we're here: to become better. So assuming that because of someone's past misdeeds...or indeed past triumphs, they are the same person that they were then, is ridiculously insulting.

I know I've changed in the past year or so, and before then too. So if a person I was very close to a year ago, or eighteen months ago (ahem Allen) were to think I'm the same girl now as I was then, they would be very much mistaken.

I try to apply that to my life: knowing that I've changed, and that other people can change too. This means that I don't let my associations with people in the past affect how I treat them now. That doesn't mean I'm overly naive and let myself be taken advantage of over and over again, but that I try to realize that people make mistakes, and if I bring them up, they'll never be able to feel that they've been forgiven.

I'm not perfect at it...I still judge people a lot, but as with everything else in my life, it's a work in progress. And it's a star. We can change! We can be something better today than we were yesterday! We can remold the person we were and escape from the mistakes of the past (so far as our consequences will let us). We can become a new man. Or woman. You catch my drift.

Stars, Javert in Les Miserables

I want to buy you everything, except cologne, 'cause it's poison.

I like Train because they make music about getting married and not just having sex.

I would guess that their views on premarital sex are different than mine,  but I appreciate that they see...and make music about...the value of a commited relationship that includes marriage. I believe that "marriage between a  man and a woman is ordained of God" but in today's society I find that idea questioned, challenged, and even ridiculed.

For me, marriage is essential. Why, if you truly love someone, would you not want to covenant to be with them for your time and earth, and indeed for all of eternity together? I don't understand. In the words of Sophie on Letters to Juliet,

"It's not supposed to be that way. We're supposed to want to be together all the time."

That doesn't mean that you follow each other around like puppy dogs, but it does mean that you will give your relationship the validity it needs to last forever. Literally.

So...Train, especially the songs "If It's Love" and "Marry Me" are definitely a star in my life. While we're on the topic of music...Jesse Bonanno's "Never Alone," "With You Tonight," "Around," and "Can't Imagine" are all on my favs list. And his voice is crazily attractive. As Jonah quotes a crazy woman in Sleepless in Seattle,

"You're the most attractive man I ever laid ears on."

I know, that's super cheesy...but do you get my point? Youtube him, it's amazing. Thanks Pandora. ;)

Wow today is just a movie/music day...Well...good movies and music make me happy. VERY happy. :D

Ka-ching! ;)

If It's Love Train

Forward to Love

I'm pretty much in tears right now.

Life can be so painful. This summer is incredible...I feel the love of God, and accepted by those I have met. The sunshine and glory of flowers and the temperature going up up up is making me giddy. But then sometimes I remember real life. I remember that in less than a month, my best friend of sixteen years is going to be flying to Hawaii to start a new life. I remember that I will have to return to my stupid, ridiculous, hateful, completely overrated high school of guys that only see my bra size and girls who don't bother looking behind the painted on smile and the fake, dang-I'm-a-good-actress laugh.

And I'm scared. I'm so scared. I want to keep this happy, confident, beautiful girl that seems to me right now...and not revert to the fake paper doll that I feel I have to be to survive. I want to see myself the way Christ sees me, not the way Babylon does.

I hate fake things.

But through a lot of prayer, a lot of scripture study, and a lot of soul searching, I've decided that I can do it. I can cling to  my values, to my God, to my Savior. And They will never let me down, even if everyone else does. I can do this on my own, even after my other best friend leaves to Vegas and I am left alone with my boys. Wonderful stripling warrior boys, but still boys.

It is in this fashion, as well as realizing that I love choir. And theater. That I have realized that through prayer, scripture study, reading my patriarchal blessing, and spending a lot of time with my LDS friends, I can survive the world. I can by my own oasis of Zion in Babylon, even if I am entirely alone. Because it is then that I will not be alone.

And then, when I am done in this place, having won the fight and finished the race, there will be someone for me. No matter how many dumb guys don't see the woman I really am, there will be a man for me. Someone who has waited for me as I have waited for him, and who doesn't expect me to be like everyone else.

Amazing what a summer away can do to your thought process. Thank heaven for my stars.

Forward to Love, Ziggy Marley

No Trouble Breathing

I should really get around to doing this more often...I'm just so darn busy with work and travel and family and friends and whatnot.

So...two things on my mind right now. First off, Julia. I'm ridiculously, superbly, worried about her. I don't know how to help, but I'm trying. I want her to be able to stand up straight and love herself without faking it. Unfortunately...we're not exactly close, so I don't know how to help. Plus, when I'm in a large group of people, I'm a complete butterfly and flit around talking to everyone. Probably because I'm close with noone. One the plus side, though, the star is this: I no longer think she hates me, and she no longer thinks I hate her, and Allie no longer hates her. It's grand, not hating people.

Next up: what the flip is wrong with me? I went to a youth retreat about a week ago...and if I wasn't with Allie, I was with all guys. Like, six or seven of them. And no girls. Do girls not like me or something? Ok that was a self-evident question. Of course they don't, if they don't want to be around me. But why? Is it because I'm an uncontrollable flirt? Because it doesn't mean anything, and I know that, and the boys know that...so why don't the girls? But in some ways it is a good things, because I have gotten so much closer to my guy friends...who inspire me. A lot. Got to love them stripling warriors. :)

Oh one more thing...Allie is moving to Las Vegas in six months. So...I don't know what I'm going to do. Janae and Nicole are going to Hawaii for school, and Kay is going to Utah, and Rae is going to Idaho. So I don't know what girls I will talk to, but I  know that something good will come out of this. Maybe I will become closer to Julia...or Catherine...or maybe I will grow closer to my Savior as I rely on Him. Whatever happens...I will need help.

Ok one last thing...I keep thinking of things I want to say. About a year ago, I made some pretty bad decisions that included a guy named Allen.  Not sex, but still, some things that made my parents really not trust me. Yesterday night, I was reading through my journal entries from that time period...and it literally broke my hard. He hurt me a lot, and I did a lot of dumb stuff, and I was so young and naive. But looking back, I can see how far I've come and it inspires me. There is nothing better in the world than making a decision that once would've been impossible for you to make because of personal weakness.

Break Even The Script

I Believe

Recently I was listening to the choir CD from my high school. Along the way, I heard a song entitled "Inscription of Hope" that I had never heard before. I must have been doing something else when it was sung in concert.

It astounded me. It was written by Jews hiding from Nazis in a cellar during the Holocaust. And yet, it is one of the most powerful, hopeful songs I have ever heard. A line goes

       "And I believe in God, even when He is silent. And I believe through every trial, there is always a way."

Talk about incredible. Think about it. You're locked away, hiding from people who want to kill you for no reason, and there is no light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel. But instead of becoming bitter and hating on the world, you develop such unbreakable faith in God, that there will be a better tomorrow.

It is people like that that change the world. Imagine if all of our leaders had that kind of determination to survive through dark times. I don't know if I would have that kind of faith...but I know I want to begin today.

Inscription of Hope