Does the Pain Weigh Out the Price?

Sometimes painful circumstances that seem to have no silver lining are truly for the better.

Recently, I've had someone who I thought was my best friend refuse to help with me with some very simple, small favors that were very important to me. It was painful. Very painful. I cried for two hours. This is from the girl who hasn't cried in front of any one except her immediate family in over five years. I don't cry.

This same girl is leaving and moving several states away. Previously, I was devastated. But the above experience made me realize that perhaps I'm worth more than that. I don't always have to be the only one giving in a relationship. I deserve a friend who is not selfish and wants to help me as much as I help her/him.

So as much as I wish that life could be simple...maybe this is God's way of telling me that life will be ok. Because that is the point of trials. To learn from them.

21 Guns, Green Day

Give me a smile, or give me a sneer

I strongly dislike fake people. Dislike in the strongest possible sense, if you missed that.

And lately, Suzetta's been really fake. Fake in the most arrogant, disgusting, low moral standards kind of way. It's been quite difficult not to backhand her in the face everytime I see her.

But. I have lately realized something I should've known all my life. Christ loves me. He is my Friend. And no one has true friends that would beat them up for making a mistake, hate them for swearing, or stop talking to them because they didn't read their scriptures one night. Or because they flirt with too many people. Or because their moral standards are more wiggly than on the strait and narrow.

And not only is Christ our Friend, He is perfect. So He is a more perfect Friend than any of ours. More accepting, more understanding, a better listener...the list goes on and on. That goes for me. That goes for my family. That goes for my friends. That goes for the random kid walking down the street. And it goes for Suzetta. He loves her. More than I understand. Just as much as He loves me. So I need to stop hating, and realize that

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.

                                                                   -Samuel Johnson

I may never understand her, we may never be good friends. But she is worth every bit as much as I am, and I need to treat her that way.

She's another light in the starry sky, to someone I could never help.

Deer in the Headlights, Owl City

I will never let you down

"Wove. True wove, is what bwings us togethuh todaiy."  Don't you love The Princess Bride? If you've never seen it, go watch it. Right now. It's more important than anything except for maybe that screaming baby in the background. Family comes first. xD

The point of that seemingly random quote was to make a point. Westley and Buttercup have the kind of love that knows no boundaries, no inhibitions. Perhaps that's solely the stuff of fairytales,  but I believe there is some truth to it.

Love means everything. Honesty, integrity, morals. Breakfast in bed. Lemon bars. Ice cream. A phone call. Love is more than an engagement ring or a wedding dress or even a family. Love means doing all you can for one person. Everything. Love means (I love this) that you pray for the one you love more than you do for yourself. Because their happiness is more important to you than your happiness.

This is what makes the world go round! Isn't it wonderful! In a society peopled by lust, divorce, adultery, and immorality, true love still lives! Every day, men and women make sacrifices because of the love they have for each other! Doesn't that give you hope?

It gives me hope. It's a star.

Take Me With You Secondhand Serenade

I can still feel your heat beat fast when you dance with me

I must admit, in the last year or so I have become quite anti-dances. It could have something to do with the kind of guys you can meet there, or the awkwardness that can occur, but I have become increasing more reluctant to go. Unfortunately...or perhaps fortunately...because of my job I have to.

And sometimes I hate them. I don't really like dancing...because I fail miserably. I like ballroom, but I can only do well if I'm dancing with a guy who can lead...which happens about as frequently as my dad's favorite team winning a football game. Next to never. Slow songs...well they're awkward. Young guys, creepy guys, guys who have amazing personalities behind the Umm...yeahs, and guys that probably have amazing personalitites, but should also buy deodorant. And then there's that awkward song where you don't dance, but the majority of people are. Or the awkward moment where you've been dancing so much you don't want to anymore and the girl you're talking to hasn't been asked to dance at all.

You get my point. Dances can stink.

But. There is one reason to like them. Probably more than one, actually, but this is the one I'm going to focus on. You know the moment in the movies where the girl looks across the dance floor and sees the perfect young gentleman at the same moment that he notices her? Reference to West Side Story, Cinderella, A Cinderella Story.....I'm sure you can come up with many more. Those moment may not always happen in real life...but there is something to be said for the idea: spending a slow song (hopefully a very LONG slow song) in the arms of someone for whom you care very much,

And that is the reason. Because dancing close with someone you care about is sweet. It's a chance to talk privately...sing...dance...basically enjoy being alone together in a room full of people.

That's my star today, as I head off to another dance tomorrow. That there is always that one guy that makes the rest of the awkward ones worth it.

If My Heart Were a House, Owl City

There's gonna be one less lonely girl

I have had so many people say to me..."Why do you bother? You're never going to change anything?" But it honestly doesn't matter to me. I know that I won't be able to change the world, but I can change the world of one person. That's why life matters.

Life is about the individual. I will bend over backwards for other people, even if they don't ask. I think that the most important trait to develop is that of making those around them feel valued, loved, and beautiful. It doesn't hurt us to look outward. David Baldacci said in his book Wish You Well

"There is nothing so powerful as the emboldened kindness of one human being reaching out to another, who is held only by despair."

It's true. It's one of my favorite quotes because of that. And it's a very good book. But back to the quote. There is nothing so powerful! No matter what our circumstances: rich or poor, black or white, old or young, male or female, popular or a loner, beautiful or plain, religious or agnostic, we can be kind to those around us. Samuel Johnson (no idea whatsoever who that was, but he must've been amazing) wisely stated:

"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not."

No matter what our feelings toward them, we can be kind to each person we meet each day. This is my star. That it doesn't matter how terrible our day is or how wonderful, it will be always be made better by kindness. Kindness is the greatest of human virtues.

One Less Lonely Girl, Justin Bieber

Wait for It

I like to pretend that I will be the person I've always wanted to  be simply because life has a new beginning. A new friend, a new day, a  new year...new things make me want to change. But I have come to know and accept that change is gradual. Just because I feel new doesn't mean anyone else will see it. I had an experience with my <friend?> Richard, in which neither of us acted the way we were used to the other one acting.

And it hurt. Because when you change without someone realizing, they don't always accept or like or care about the change.

But I can do it. I can change both gradually and drastically...at least I think I can. Those who truly love me will love me as I am, right? And being alone and smiling at the world because I see the love is better than being a porcelain doll hiding behind a painted face. Because porcelain is fragile, and crystal shatters.

I would rather be a flawed flesh and blood than an untainted doll.

Because who I am is enough. What I have to give is enough. My light shines brightly enough to be a beacon.

And no one can tell me that I'm not good enough.

I'm just beautiful me. Extraordinary.

Wait for It, Ben Truman

We Still Make the Circuit

It amazes me how strong people are. How they manage to endure, overcome, and basically just kick adversity in the butt, even while dealing with 9,034,803,986 times more than I could possibly ever imagine. It's incredible. I use that word a lot. Also amazing. And wonderful. Anyway, back on topic.

I just finished reading two books that left me astounded (I use that word a lot too), I am halfway through a third, and watched a movie that left me floored.

Escape by Carolyn Jessop is the story (true) written by herself of her life in and flight from the FLDS community. The abuse, cruelty, and brainwashing that she lived through leave me in awe of the strong mother that she is. Because that's how I would describe her. As a mindblowingly loving and strong mother.  I want desperately to be a mother that, like she, would be willing to risk everything I had for the welfare and wellbeing of my children.

Puppet by Eva Wiseman is not a completely true story, but it is based on the last blood libel trial in Hungary. If you, like me, had no idea what a blood libel trial is, it was when Christians would accuse Jews of stealing Christian children for their blood, which they would then use to make Easter bread. This was, of course, always completely unfounded, but the bigotry and hatred of the villagers almost cost the death of many Jews, until a Christian girl by the name of Julie Vamosi proved that the girl in question, Esther, had committed suicide. The amount of hatred and unfounded accusations that were shown in the book astonished me, but even more than that I was so proud of the strength that Julie had to do what she knew was right, even through being threatened by her abusive father and the most powerful men in her community.

Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela is his autobiography. I have been fascinated by Mandela and the South African journey to freedom and the end of apartheid ever since I watched Invictus with Morgan Freeman as Mandela and Matt Damon as Francois Pienaar, the South African rugby team captain. I happen to love Matt Damon...anyway back on subject. His life, his fight for moral rights, and his eventual victory fill me with hope and inspire me to do better with what I have. The poem that the movie is named for, Invictus by William Ernest Henley, is now my favorite poem (well, one of them) and has been committed to my memory, which for me is quite a feat.

Finally, I have been on a Matt Damon-movie watching spree. I'm watching every movie he's been in that is not rated R. (He's been in a lot of R-rated movies, unfortunate). The latest I watched is one of his first, School Ties which is the story of a Jewish boy, David Greene who receives a scholarship to attend a prestigious prep school to play football for his senior year. The catch is: it's a Catholic school. And he's Jewish. As I said. He chooses to conceal his religion after hearing many of the boys make racial slurs. Against Judaism, obviously.  SPOILER ALERT. Well...Matt Damon plays his friend Charlie Dillon. And after David starts dating Sally, the girl Charlie is in love with, Charlie finds out that David is Jewish and spreads the word. The bigotry and hatred and prejudice of the boys of the school is then revealed, and I won't tell you the ending, but sitting there watching this twenty year old movie I started steaming. I couldn't believe how hateful the boys were. But David...David stood up to it. He got in a few fights, but he remained the stronger person. Always.

It is an inspiration to me. That is my favorite part of books and movies: most of them are just a stupid story, but some make me want to change my life. They inspire me. They are some of my stars.

Everything That Glitters (Is Not Gold), Dan Seals