Forward to Love

I'm pretty much in tears right now.

Life can be so painful. This summer is incredible...I feel the love of God, and accepted by those I have met. The sunshine and glory of flowers and the temperature going up up up is making me giddy. But then sometimes I remember real life. I remember that in less than a month, my best friend of sixteen years is going to be flying to Hawaii to start a new life. I remember that I will have to return to my stupid, ridiculous, hateful, completely overrated high school of guys that only see my bra size and girls who don't bother looking behind the painted on smile and the fake, dang-I'm-a-good-actress laugh.

And I'm scared. I'm so scared. I want to keep this happy, confident, beautiful girl that seems to me right now...and not revert to the fake paper doll that I feel I have to be to survive. I want to see myself the way Christ sees me, not the way Babylon does.

I hate fake things.

But through a lot of prayer, a lot of scripture study, and a lot of soul searching, I've decided that I can do it. I can cling to  my values, to my God, to my Savior. And They will never let me down, even if everyone else does. I can do this on my own, even after my other best friend leaves to Vegas and I am left alone with my boys. Wonderful stripling warrior boys, but still boys.

It is in this fashion, as well as realizing that I love choir. And theater. That I have realized that through prayer, scripture study, reading my patriarchal blessing, and spending a lot of time with my LDS friends, I can survive the world. I can by my own oasis of Zion in Babylon, even if I am entirely alone. Because it is then that I will not be alone.

And then, when I am done in this place, having won the fight and finished the race, there will be someone for me. No matter how many dumb guys don't see the woman I really am, there will be a man for me. Someone who has waited for me as I have waited for him, and who doesn't expect me to be like everyone else.

Amazing what a summer away can do to your thought process. Thank heaven for my stars.

Forward to Love, Ziggy Marley